One of the greatest battles a man can fight among himself is the battle between his mind and his heart. While the heart supplies the fuel for a man's flights of fancy daring him to do things he never thought he would, the mind would take the safe logical step which would look almost cowardly. Ah... the affairs of the heart; love... hate... romance... passion... TO HELL WITH THEM!!! DAMN THEN ALL!!! (I would much rather use the F word but I shall not)
Meeting up with a long lost friend is always done with anticipation, wondering how he or she has been doing all those years you guys were out of contact. But meeting up with a long lost friend that you once had liked is a different story. (Yeah yeah, I can almost hear the whooting and the teasing now.) Yes, for those of you who did not know, Eugene (the writer of this blog) is a guy with his fair share of crushes on girls. A close lady friend of mind advised against the meeting saying basically that this whole "affairs of the heart" and "old flame" thing is too difficult to predict. I might just do something really foolish and stupid.
But is has been years since I saw her, surely the feelings would have died down by now, surely God given logic and reason would prevail as it did years ago telling me that we are not really suited for each other. Boy was I wrong. During the whole time I was with her at lunch, the old feelings begin to surface again, my heart was pulling me to one side with my mind pulling me to another, the battle lines were drawn, war had began and I was in on man's land.
I spent a great deal of effort keeping my feelings in check and with the frustration building up as the lunch went on, it required an even greater effort to keep my feelings in check. It just became a vicious cycle which went on and on. The way I see it is this, I can either divorce myself from all logic and reason and just go for it (which would be suicidal) or I should follow logic and reason and never see her again. But I believe that God wants me to maintain the friendship without letting it go to the next level. So I think my only option is to do my best to keep my feelings in check and let "sleeping dragons lie" as they say. If this is what God wants me to do then I am sure he would help me. But sleeping dragons have a way of being awakened by the occasional knight in shinning armour trying to save his damsel in distress. If that happens then...
The bottomline is this, whatever happens, it would be a difficult journey for me to discipline my heart and get it in control. God help me
Friday, November 16, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Stacey Kent
A Prominent jazz critic once said this about Stacey Kent, "To hear Stacey is to love her". I agree. If any of you think that Diana Krall is good jazz, you have not heard Stacey Kent. In fact when compared to Stacey, I feel that Diana Krall is way way out of her league. This is the promo she did for her latest album "Breakfast On The Morning Tram" enjoy.... and eat you heart out Diana Krall!!!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Paper Boats
How come these precious things were made to seem remote?
How come the words I weighed were forced back down my throat?
There was no room for honesty
No quarter that was mine
No noble cause
I tried to fake a life
To fool those snapping jaws
From here I dare to launch
My flimsy paper boats
I shove each gently from the shore
God guard it where it floats
They must not drift too far from You
If you sense danger cause they are too frail
In time they will catch Your wind
And fly with billowed sails
Mike Mcgurk
How come the words I weighed were forced back down my throat?
There was no room for honesty
No quarter that was mine
No noble cause
I tried to fake a life
To fool those snapping jaws
From here I dare to launch
My flimsy paper boats
I shove each gently from the shore
God guard it where it floats
They must not drift too far from You
If you sense danger cause they are too frail
In time they will catch Your wind
And fly with billowed sails
Mike Mcgurk
Thursday, October 18, 2007
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone
Friday, October 12, 2007
Grounded
Due to the Hari Raya holidays I have been grounded. It is this only week now in a very long time where I have not taken a plane or a bus ride to some far away place. It is always good to be home of course, and I have taken the time to consolidate my thoughts about all the travelling around I have been doing and in the course of doing so learnt a few things about myself.
The first thing I learn is about money. Since I travel so often, it is hard to keep up a social life locally. Does that mean I have no social life and that is why I can travel so often? No. Frankly I don't think the amount of money I earn is enough to justify scarificing my friendships and relationship here locally. In fact, if it is just about the money I would much rather take a lower paying job and stay well connected with friends and family.
I know it makes no sense. But I feel that you can't put a price tag on the friendships you have taken so long to build with so much effort. It is priceless. So in terms of value, if I have to choose between a pay cheque and something priceless. I will choose something priceless. So the bottomline is that I am not doing all this travelling for the money no matter how good it might be. And if I ever fall into the trap of just working for the money, it will be pointless and worthless.
The second thing is to learn from all this exposure and experience I am getting when I am overseas. No, I am not learning a tangible subject like math or science, but something intangible that I can't explain in words. I seem to be developing an instinct that I know will serve me well later in life. Something like learning how to ride a bicycle or learning how to swim.
The third thing is that this arrangement will not last forever, sooner or later I will have to move on. I believe that I have mentioned in an earlier post that I feel that this is what God wants me to do in order to prepare me for his plans for me in the future. So if God were to call, this arrangement would have to end.
The fourth thing is that my source of strength and hope comes from God alone. When you are in a foreign country full of strangers and you need help. You can always call on Him and He will answer you. As a result of all my travels, I have learnt to depend more on Him and hopefully build a deeper relationship with Him.
It is ironic that in my act of reaching out and travelling around, I have been able to dig deeper into myself and learn more about myself and God. He works in mysterious ways.
The first thing I learn is about money. Since I travel so often, it is hard to keep up a social life locally. Does that mean I have no social life and that is why I can travel so often? No. Frankly I don't think the amount of money I earn is enough to justify scarificing my friendships and relationship here locally. In fact, if it is just about the money I would much rather take a lower paying job and stay well connected with friends and family.
I know it makes no sense. But I feel that you can't put a price tag on the friendships you have taken so long to build with so much effort. It is priceless. So in terms of value, if I have to choose between a pay cheque and something priceless. I will choose something priceless. So the bottomline is that I am not doing all this travelling for the money no matter how good it might be. And if I ever fall into the trap of just working for the money, it will be pointless and worthless.
The second thing is to learn from all this exposure and experience I am getting when I am overseas. No, I am not learning a tangible subject like math or science, but something intangible that I can't explain in words. I seem to be developing an instinct that I know will serve me well later in life. Something like learning how to ride a bicycle or learning how to swim.
The third thing is that this arrangement will not last forever, sooner or later I will have to move on. I believe that I have mentioned in an earlier post that I feel that this is what God wants me to do in order to prepare me for his plans for me in the future. So if God were to call, this arrangement would have to end.
The fourth thing is that my source of strength and hope comes from God alone. When you are in a foreign country full of strangers and you need help. You can always call on Him and He will answer you. As a result of all my travels, I have learnt to depend more on Him and hopefully build a deeper relationship with Him.
It is ironic that in my act of reaching out and travelling around, I have been able to dig deeper into myself and learn more about myself and God. He works in mysterious ways.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Guidance
My old commando friend suddenly posted a question to me a few weeks ago on MSN. It went something like this, " How do you know if you have found the love of your life? Does God tell you? Will He provide one specially for you?
A bit surprised by this line of questioning, I ask him where did all that questions came from. He told me that he has fallen for a girl he knows in university. I told him what any Christian brother would tell another, I told him to pray about it. Then he asked me if I had tried praying about something like that before and how it turned out. I told him that I have tried it on a few occasions only to either draw a complete blank from God and/or make a horrible mistake.
Not very encouraging right? But I added that that is just my personal experience and things might turn out very differently for him and again emphasize that he should pray about it. When he asked about how I go aout this matter now I said, "For me when it comes, it comes. Going without it is no big loss."
Looking to God for big decisions is never easy. First of all it is difficult to get an answer, in my experience at least. Second, it might be an answer you might not like. God's answer might require you to make so-called "unpopular" decisions, decisions that might even cause you to be shunned even by your Christian peers. So what happens when God's answer is not the answer you had hoped for? What would you do? Would you go the way which you prefer or follow God's guidance however unpopular and difficult it might be?
Of course every Christian would give the model answer and say that God's will is always better. After all the Bible says that all things happen for the good of those who love Him and do His will. But I am sick of model answers, examine yourself and ask yourself what you are really going to do. As for my commando friend, I pray he will do the right thing even if it is not what he had hoped for.
A bit surprised by this line of questioning, I ask him where did all that questions came from. He told me that he has fallen for a girl he knows in university. I told him what any Christian brother would tell another, I told him to pray about it. Then he asked me if I had tried praying about something like that before and how it turned out. I told him that I have tried it on a few occasions only to either draw a complete blank from God and/or make a horrible mistake.
Not very encouraging right? But I added that that is just my personal experience and things might turn out very differently for him and again emphasize that he should pray about it. When he asked about how I go aout this matter now I said, "For me when it comes, it comes. Going without it is no big loss."
Looking to God for big decisions is never easy. First of all it is difficult to get an answer, in my experience at least. Second, it might be an answer you might not like. God's answer might require you to make so-called "unpopular" decisions, decisions that might even cause you to be shunned even by your Christian peers. So what happens when God's answer is not the answer you had hoped for? What would you do? Would you go the way which you prefer or follow God's guidance however unpopular and difficult it might be?
Of course every Christian would give the model answer and say that God's will is always better. After all the Bible says that all things happen for the good of those who love Him and do His will. But I am sick of model answers, examine yourself and ask yourself what you are really going to do. As for my commando friend, I pray he will do the right thing even if it is not what he had hoped for.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Obligations
Recent events in my company has cause me to question who I am obligated to. Am I obligated to the customer or to my boss? My boss promised a certain customer in Jakarta that he will visit the customer this week (the customer requested the visit). So last week when I was in Jakarta, I told this customer that my boss was coming as promised and he(the customer) was looking forward to it. I gave this customer my word.
But due to some crappy planning (in my opinion) by my boss, he had to postpone the trip to an as yet undetermined date. Now I must be the bearer of bad news to this customer and no doubt bear the brunt of his complains. In other words, I must put up with all the shit but that is not important, the important thing is that I broke my word to the customer. Now this is not the first time this sort of thing happened, there were quite a few times whereby I have to go back on my word just because my boss couldn't deliver on his.
Now I am not dissing my boss at all, my question is to what extent am I obligated to the customer who is paying for a top quality product? In other words, if earning my paycheck requires me to go back on my word, whether or not it is on behalf of my boss then is it right? Am I doing right by God breaking promises I have made to other people? Well it sure felt wrong to me, each time I do it I feel a slight sense of guilt. The worrying thing is that even that is beginning to fade. God help me to sort this out.
But due to some crappy planning (in my opinion) by my boss, he had to postpone the trip to an as yet undetermined date. Now I must be the bearer of bad news to this customer and no doubt bear the brunt of his complains. In other words, I must put up with all the shit but that is not important, the important thing is that I broke my word to the customer. Now this is not the first time this sort of thing happened, there were quite a few times whereby I have to go back on my word just because my boss couldn't deliver on his.
Now I am not dissing my boss at all, my question is to what extent am I obligated to the customer who is paying for a top quality product? In other words, if earning my paycheck requires me to go back on my word, whether or not it is on behalf of my boss then is it right? Am I doing right by God breaking promises I have made to other people? Well it sure felt wrong to me, each time I do it I feel a slight sense of guilt. The worrying thing is that even that is beginning to fade. God help me to sort this out.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I am Back!
Yes! I am back after three weeks abroad. I am off now till the end of the week. Being abroad for this long made me confront something about myself, something very human. Manpower changes in the company I am working in will cause me to travel quite often, more often than what I am doing now. Now I know a lot of people will jump at the chance to travel for their work but I was honestly burnt out after travelling for so long.
Now I am asking myself lots of questions like, is this all worth it? Are all my efforts and sacrifices abroad appreciated at home? Is this what God wants for me? And if so what am I suppose to do with this chance I am given?
Honestly, I am starting not to like this new arrangement. Could it be time to leave this company? No, I don't think so. Sometimes I guess God plans our lives in a way that we might not like, so perhaps I should bite the bullet and get on with it, maybe there is a hidden purpose or blessing in all this, maybe I should give it time.
Now I am asking myself lots of questions like, is this all worth it? Are all my efforts and sacrifices abroad appreciated at home? Is this what God wants for me? And if so what am I suppose to do with this chance I am given?
Honestly, I am starting not to like this new arrangement. Could it be time to leave this company? No, I don't think so. Sometimes I guess God plans our lives in a way that we might not like, so perhaps I should bite the bullet and get on with it, maybe there is a hidden purpose or blessing in all this, maybe I should give it time.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The Long Haul
I will not be updating this blog for quite some time. I will be abroad until 13th of August, work stuff. Hopefully will have lots of stuff to update by then. Seeya!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Whale
One thing I like about the way Douglas Adams writes "Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" is that he does not use the main characters and plot to get his point across, but he uses minor characters and subplots. That way you don't really have to read to whole book to get the gist of his message.
One of my favourite minor characters is the Whale. The Whale appeared suddenly out of nowhere on top of a planet called "Magrathea" alongside a pot of flowers (which also appeared out of nowhere) falling towards the ground. The Whale had a very self-aware existential life of discovery which sadly lasts only a minute before it impacts the ground, leaving a large crater and quite a lot of atomized whale remains. During the short time when it was alive, the whale asked questions like, "What am I?" "What is my purpose in life?" and things like that before falling to its death.
I think the whale represents all of us, the moment we appear on this earth we are already hurdling to our deaths. While we try to search for the answers to life it will already be too late, we would already leave a crater on the ground, the pot of flowers falling alongside us would be the flowers someone would leave on our gravesite.
I know all that sounds a bit morbid but it is the truth. The good news is that this apparent "freefall" in our lives is avoidable. If we know who to turn to. I do, do you?
One of my favourite minor characters is the Whale. The Whale appeared suddenly out of nowhere on top of a planet called "Magrathea" alongside a pot of flowers (which also appeared out of nowhere) falling towards the ground. The Whale had a very self-aware existential life of discovery which sadly lasts only a minute before it impacts the ground, leaving a large crater and quite a lot of atomized whale remains. During the short time when it was alive, the whale asked questions like, "What am I?" "What is my purpose in life?" and things like that before falling to its death.
I think the whale represents all of us, the moment we appear on this earth we are already hurdling to our deaths. While we try to search for the answers to life it will already be too late, we would already leave a crater on the ground, the pot of flowers falling alongside us would be the flowers someone would leave on our gravesite.
I know all that sounds a bit morbid but it is the truth. The good news is that this apparent "freefall" in our lives is avoidable. If we know who to turn to. I do, do you?
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