Bittersweet

God has been good to me in 2006. ORD loh! Found a stable job, stable finances and looking for opportunities to further my studies. Now that it is the end of the year, I look back at 2006 and I am blessed and content.

But this was the year in which I have learnt a sad and bitter lesson. Despite all the good things happening to me on the surface, I have never felt more alone. When faced with one's problems, one is truly and utterly alone. No friends or companions will be able to help you because you alone make the decisions on what solutions to take on your problems and you alone and will either enjoy the benefits or suffer the conseqences of your actions.

I have always thought that it is the norm to have a group of friends or just a friend that you will treasure who will never think twice to help you out in your time of need. But this year, I have found my friendships useless, not because they are not willing to help but because they can't. They are human too, with limitations and flaws. It was a hard and bitter pill to swallow, I have come to accept that my view of friendship is flawed and I only ever needed just one companion in life. God Himself.

Taking this lesson to heart, the changes are quite visible (at least to me). I have learnt to live and let live, accepting that people will come and go in your life. We will draw close, drift apart and perhaps never see each other again. I also seemed to have become more decisive, making decisions with less consideration about what others might think. And perhaps, this lesson when taken to heart will increase my dependance on God. I do hope that is the case.

Blessed new year!

Missed Opportunity?

Few weeks ago I recieved a phone call from my grandma. She along with my grandpa wanted to go visit my dad and family down in Miri, Sarawak and asked me if I wanted to come along. I had never wanted much to do with my dad, since he was not a big part of my life in the first place (long and complicated story). In fact when he offered to provide for my further studies after my NS, I turned him down, I told him I would rather pay my own way. Ever so often when I go to my grandma's place to indulge myself in her home cooked meals that I badly miss. Other family members, aunts, uncles etc. would try to encourage me to talk to my father. Even they sense the hostility.

To top it all off, my mum has even got into the act. Once when she was talking to me about my father, I in my insensitivity tried remind her what happened to their marriage and how they too are also not exactly on talking terms. She replied, "he is your father after all, you should give him a chance." Some part of me wanted to make things right with my father, I did ask God for the chance when He thinks I am ready, so perhaps this phone call from my grandma was that chance.

Sadly, I gave an excuse to my grandma, I told her I wasn't sure if I could take leave now and stalled my decision saying, "see first lah." Probably a knee jerk reaction because I was taken by surprise. But after thinking it through for a few days, I decided that it would be foolish of me to let this chance pass by whether it was divinely appointed or not, so I call my grandma back to tell her I was going.

This was what she told me, "I am not going already lah! The airfare is ridiculous! $700 for a one way ticket! I can fly to Hongkong, fly back and still have shopping money!"

I replied, "but if you go to Senai airport it would be much cheaper and..."

"Cannot lah boy, we old already" my grandma interrupted, "You cannot expect me and grandpa to travel up and down from Johor like that, it is very tiring. Anyway I emailed your father to tell him we are not coming already lah... eh I got to go... call me if you want to come for dinner ok? Bye bye."

Was it a missed opportunity or a door that was divinely closed to prevent me from making a mistake? Maybe the time just isn't right yet. All I know is that God works mysteriously and I just have to go with the flow. Still, I feel that it was an interesting story to blog, hope you liked it.

Marriage?!

I was having dinner with a close army friend yesterday. We had a good time catching up with each other sharing with each other about our lives after the army. The talk eventually fell on marriage. I told him I was planning my life on the assumption that I was never going to get married and he responded saying, "dunno leh, this kind of thing very hard to say one leh." I agree with him but still saw no harm in planning my life the way I am doing. A wise man once said, "plan like Jesus is never going to come, live like He is coming tomorrow."

Unlike most of my peers, whether Christian or not. I do not believe in the romantic notion of love. Put it simply I do not believe in romance. To me, there is no such thing as a "one true love" whom you are destined to meet, no "princess charming" that I am suppose to fight dragons for and rescue from a tower and I most definitely do not believe that God has made someone special out there with you in mind (that is the most ridiculous statement yet).

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in love. The apostle Paul said that love is the greatest thing of all. Love is the very essence of my Christian faith, it is what drew me to Christianity in the first place. But we must be very careful not to associate love with romance. I believe that when two people love each other so much that they are willing to commit to the vows of marriage with each other, God will bless and honour that vow. If the vow is broken in any way, the vow breaker/s will be held accountable, plain and simple. And if you choose not to take such a vow, God will bless you too and respect your decision.

In every marriage there are sacrifices to be made, compromises to be reached, quarrels to be settled, expectations to meet, responsibilities to fulfil and last but not least, ang pows to give away every chinese new year :). It takes COMMITMENT and EFFORT to make a marriage work, those two words are sadly lacking in almost half the marriages of today that end up in divorce.

With all that I have said, marriage doesn't sound so attractive anymore right? Well I guess that is where love comes in. If you love your "significant other" enough to put up with all that crap then by all means go ahead and get married. Romance does not sustain a marriage, love does. Do not think for a second that your marriage will take care of itself because you guys are "specially made for one another" and "destined to meet." There is not such thing, it is just philosopical crap from the Romantics of the 18th century.

So if you think that love is the product of destiny and fate, maybe you should take romance out of the equation and think again. You will find that it is the product of commitment and effort, much like our relationship with Christ. You might argue that these are two different kinds of love but I can assure you that it takes the same ingredients to make it work.